Monday, June 17, 2013

The Doofus Cat Project

Donate Now to the Doofus Cat Project! We have assembled a team of Feline Geneticists at the cutting edge of their field, along with Cat Breeders and Molecular Biologists and top experts in various disciplines including Animal Husbandry and Feline Kinesthesiology as well as various Proud Proponents of Proper Paw Placement, in order to tackle one of the longest-standing challenges in Human History. Yes, I am sure that you already know what I am referring to here. Finally, after millenia of living side-by-side with representatives of the genus Felis and more specifically the species Cattus which serve by our long-standing mutual co-habitation to constantly remind us of our utter comparative physical incompetence with their constant displays of inspired acrobatic genius and stunning super-human (but sadly not super-cat) physical co-ordination and speed, we are taking advantage of the Miracle of Modern Science to tackle this seemingly-unresolvable and insurmountable dillema: We love our cats, but not their effete and utterly snobbish level of physical competence. Therefore, the ultimate long-term goal of the Doofus Cat Project is, in simple terms, to finally breed the agility out of the kitty. We will initially select only the very most un-coordinated cats, the clumsiest kittens, and the most wrong-footed felines that can be found in the entire country as our base breeding stock, with additional genetic manipulation being intermittantly done at the molecular level, along with the introduction of additional non-species genetic material (pug) to finally, once and for all eliminate the cat's ability to make us feel clumsy and slow. In as little as five to seven years we would expect results varying from initial examples of feline stumbling, to eventually, actual instances of tripping over their own feet and subsequent face-planting. No longer must we witness some incredibly accurate jump of comparative Olympian proportions; no, instead we will be able to enjoy repeated failed feline attempts to even attain enough vertical height to land successfully on a typical kitchen chair without sliding into the waste basket. We will someday soon, with the Miracle of Modern Genetic Science and your kind donations to and participation in this Dream, be able to feel secure in the knowledge that our cats will, instead of constantly humiliating us with their ninja-esque displays of their annoying physical abilities, provide us with hours and hours of endless side-splitting entertainment merely in their many failed attempts to successfully eat out of a dish. To think! Within your own lifetime you can live to see cats everywhere experiencing the sensation of "falling down," "running headfirst into walls," and even "accidentally jumping into the toilet in the hopes that it was a lower chair than the one in the kitchen near the waste basket." So donate now to the Doofus Cat Project, and become a part of History!